I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.