*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
is this a threat
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me