consequences, the bane of my existence
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Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.