[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!