Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.