Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.