Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”