Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
That eye roll….
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
The funk soul brother
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*