Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se