Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
That’s enough internet for the day
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Poetry is my passion
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715