[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.