Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Liquor Store Parking
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing