My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
this independent good boy don’t need no human
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
@ candidates for local office
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.