My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
accurate
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.