In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.