Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
WHO DID THIS?