Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Oh, I bet you would be
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?