If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.