I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
liiiiiiiiike
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.