You got this…
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[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
They must have gotten it to go.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Just had my nails done!
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious