Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
umm…
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?