[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right