What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN