I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.