The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
sensitive skin
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.