At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You Might Also Like
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.