my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school