If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
live long and prosper!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??