I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up