I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You Might Also Like
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.