FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Happy thanksgiving!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.