I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”