He wanted to make sure😂
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.