Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
You Might Also Like
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Trying
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.