*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
And that about sums it up.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
oh ffs josh did you not read the email