(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
You Might Also Like
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
crochet youtube is brutal
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers