If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.