the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank