Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Before & after 😅
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this