[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
#Caturday
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf