I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands