me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
is this a warning or an offer?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6