Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.