Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg