The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.