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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
lol
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.