Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?