I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
how it started vs how it ended
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH