HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The days of good grammer has went
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika