The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
lmao
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.